I have been thinking about this blog a lot recently and wanted to write a post of what had been in my head since April. The thought has been brewing in my mind for eight months, and more or less guessing myself during the time. Back then, a blogger Natalie Freeman’s “[I] do this for me” put me in deep thought about my blogging. Why do I blog? Where am I heading to in this blogging realm? Why couldn’t I see my goal if I actually had any? How on the heck I started all these?

A lot of questions popped in my head and still there left unanswered after I read the post. I know one answer to one of the questions is short and clear as written in Natalie’s post:

[I] do this for me. … because [I] love it.

Only I just couldn’t feel that, even I shout it out loud. The words are simple and easy to read, to understand, like it’s almost in your hands, but there seems to be an invisible force, stopping you holding onto it. You can see, but you can’t have it.

Self-doubts have been stirring in me many times, do I really love blogging? Or maybe I blog because I just get no better other things to do? Or, I have no clear idea what I really want?

I am not the person who set the goals for self for the future and have whole schedule planned ahead. Well, I used to be one like that, planning, extremely. One hour for that task, a week to achieve this, then in the second month, I shall finish it. But in the end, no matter how fantastic the plan looks, it always seem to be, well, falling apart; or if lucky, just falling behind.

Three months after Natalie’s post, another blogger Jodi Wilson’s “on working from home (part two)” made me ponder hard again. Although the two posts are different, but both are about the direction of life. To me, it’s also the same subject, in a way, blogging is a direction of my life. A way I have been heading over, only the road seems endless.

Almost two weeks before Natalie’s post, I wrote “2 years of non-verbose blogging” and that basically outlined my expectation for blogging. The question is why I couldn’t remember that I had just written that, why I kept repeating asking myself the same questions over and over again.

Just a few days ago, yet another blogger Leo Babauta’s “minimal web” knocked me right in the face and told me to think one more time—though I don’t agree entirely, especially the part about commenting on Twitter, nevertheless it’s a nice post to read. It’s not talking about the same thing as Natalie’s and Jodi’s posts, but something more on the abstract level. The most important keyword from Leo’s post is

Content!

Yes, content. Again, content!

It’s part of problem I have, though it’s not the whole issue, only a piece of the issue. However, more precisely, the quality of content, the writing, the consistence, the coherence, the logic, the rigor.

Wait, rigor?

Sigh, I’ve failed myself. Four years ago, I’d defined a blogger and one point is “Write with firm logic and rigorous examination,” which says the same thing. This list of nine points shows who I want to be as a blogger, but I seem to disappoint myself over these years and have never truly remembered any of them.

It looks pretty clearly to me, I have told everything what I need to know, what I want to do, only I couldn’t deliver it. In other words, I didn’t work hard enough, that’s a way to put in.

I am unhappy with myself and the stuff I have written on this blog. Up to this point, the problem doesn’t seem to be how I blog but me, myself. My personality, my behavior, the conflict, the chaos.

So far, you may be thinking it’s just a blog, not a big deal, not like life and death situation. Why do I have to make such a fuss about it? After all, we all have survived 2012 and we are still breathing, ain’t we?

But it’s been years of blogging, that is like spending years on learning something but still couldn’t get the basics right. I am about talking being a good writer—I don’t see that’s even possible in my life time—but simply a good blogger, that’s all I want to be. I don’t expect me to write like someone who professes in English or like a journalist. I just want to write a blog post and I will still like what I write after some time when I go back to read it again.

Personally, I have a serious issue with making mistakes especially the tiny one and being made by me. Every time, I make one, that will eat me up the rest of day and upset me drearily. I would be fine and sort of forget next day, but occasionally, those little mistakes creep back in my mind to haunt me for another day.

I already have the blueprint, the only thing I have to watch out is not to use laziness as an excuse and not to have my habit of being messy taking over while I am writing.

I was aware of some posts were rushed and even only half done, then ended brutally, because I had run out of patience. Same thing happened to my coding, some codes were half done, functions were not finished. And just by looking at my repositories, you can tell mess has gone off the chart.

Those are the reasons that I started to force myself to sit down and read every single word in my subscriptions of blogs in the beginning of this month. For two purposes, one is to train myself to be more patient, another is to make myself read more materials from all sorts of sources and subjects. It is a slow process, I don’t expect to harvest anytime soon, but I hope I will eventually.

So what am I going to do?

Keep blogging and write down the 9-point list with small modifications and additional 10th point using a real pen on a actual piece of paper, tape it next to my computer monitor:

  • Write as much as I can, even a tiny thing.
  • Read blogs and comment with true heart.
  • Echo, respond, or extend what I’ve read.
  • Encourage people to create.
  • Open-minded, productive, and creative.
  • Not fear expressing.
  • Believe in self and have confidence.
  • Write with firm logic and rigorous examination.
  • Blog early, blog often, take the time, take it easy.
  • Smile.

This list by no means is the rules of blogging, only a guide to console with when I feel lost again. I don’t want to force myself since this should be what I love to do, not what I have to. Hopefully, I will see my improvements next year.

In the end of 2012 and the end of this post,

Wish you have a wonderful new year and Happy 2013!